March Captain

I am the captain of the fate. I am the master of my soul.

I was meant to be here. Parts unknown. Now some reservations. We shall see how that goes sailor. I am unsure how it will end up besides that I will be goddamn fine as frog hair. Like always. Queen at the shelter. Queen of my heart. And queen to any man that thinks he’s going to be a buster. No sir. I will teach you how to treat me.

Straighten up and fly right son or your ass will be demoted. I come from a long line of certifiable badass inglorious bastards. I don’t know all their names and I won’t share them. I know we come from Celtic origin and I have come more alive recently…remembered survival techniques…within danger I have been in. That’s a bit scary but I don’t take it that way. I transmute shit. I manifested a muted ensemble because the bright shit put me too out in the open. I mean. Ask and recieve.

I sit in a grassy area after dinner. Contemplating life.

As my formerly broken psyche comes back online I remember a lot. Some of which pisses me off. Now what do we do when we experience anger Seals?

“We channel it ma’am.”

I can’t hear you.

“We channel it ma’am.”

Goddamn right we do. Now who is going to pull their dick up out of the dirt and start following mission protocol? Anyone. I can and will find a new Navy if necessary. Love the Amazons. Perhaps Gal Gadot and I will hang because we boss bitches are THE shit.

Certifiable bad asses. Now march fellas. You’re going to pay for this in PT. I’m not sorry to tell you that. Someone broke my trust when they knew the fuck they were doing. Wanna get demoted fella? Someone else may get the spot. I forgive. But I remember snd they will make up for it. That or I will be saying goodbye for this time around. There are plenty of cowboys that wanted to pick a sister up today and I may feel so inclined in the future if “knightly” doesn’t get his act and ass together and show up.

How does it feel sir? “Shitty.”

Well I felt goddamn shitty too so sit in that. Deal with it. I won’t be letting you off the hook because i AM NOT a goddamn doormat. DO YOU HEAR ME?

“Yes ma’am.”

Captain.

“Yes captain M.”

I asked for help today. I am proud of me .

Walked 16K steps so far, practiced soccer volleys, karate, swam and got to know a new town which was scary to me. All of this living from a women’s shelter. Who the fuck else does that?

No one. No one does that when they have been abused their entire lives. My dad may have kept me from joining the Navy but today I completed training. I had been doing thus and so for the year or longer. I weaned myself off of medicine that someone prescribed that did nothing but fuck my body up.

Boo? You wanna hang? Ass best get in gear and you WILL stow your shit.

You will treat me like the goddamn goddess queen that I am. I gave up the weak ass girl routine today. I also was gentle and texted my mom.

I am. The. Fucking. Queen of my universe.

Soldier On

When you are serious about manifesting the life of your dreams there is NOTHING that will stand in your way. Instead of victim mentality, you refuse to see any of the illusiory shit around you that tries to hop up for your attention.

“I had a gun pointed at me…” That was something that happened to me yesterday turned into “Damn, the place I was staying had a severe storm and thank god I wasn’t there. I would have been out and driving.”

There was a severe storm in the carolinas after I left related to a tropical storm.

We carry on in my legacy. Let me introduce you to myself. I am Jen McCollum. I have worn many hats but I am a Navy Brat and wanted desperately to serve with a friend Natalie from high school. I was meant to and because I allowed Keiffer to talk me out of it, my blessing was deferred for a long as time. I sat in trauma soup my entire life until my higher self started helping get my butt out of the dirt and trained my body again.

I was always super fit. ALWAYS. I took Karate as a child. I figure skated, rode horse back, mucked stalls, did some MMA with the boys in my karate class. I was the badass that threw dudes twice her size over her head. I could spin and make them dizzy. Then I would win our “fight nights,” and delighted at throwing their asses gently into the air.

Being outside is something I missed terribly and that is why this whole damn homeless journey hasn’t been shit. I have done things I wanted to do and everything that I could think to stretch me.

Today for instance. Look ya’ll I couldn’t make it up. I am not a bullshitter but know many. My uncles were in command in armed forces. Lifers. My dad served a short tour and got out. I have cousins that are Seals, Officers and people that have had to be the avenging angels.

“St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Protect us against the wickedness and snares of the devil.”

This is one of my main prayers along with St. Francis and that of “the light of God surrounds me. The love of God enfolds me. The power of God encompasses me.”

I understand why some choose to sit in the shit and smear it all over them. I am not that woman. No. I just arrived at a women’s shelter today. They tell me to take a break. Nope. Not logical. My logic says:

How do I get out of here fastest because it’s an environment that decays. I dislike that. I prefer nature. I prefer being around cows, horses, being outside and hell I will fucking muck stalls and raise game if needed. This is a cycle of life.

I eat whatever my body says I need. I also keep people the fuck out of my life that make harsh demands of me. I lost my car in a big city and I’m thinking. Ah, well. I can find another ride. Clearly the person pointing the gun at me and the jerk I had been around were just fuel for me to get to my next check point.

A person told me I sounded military. Well hell yes lady. You sound like you only see the negative and I don’t work that way. With men of honor and valor in my family…what else do I do. I will not sit in the shit. I refuse to act homeless. I FUCKING REFUSE.

I am on an adventure headed into the orbit of the love of my life. I know. I don’t know how. I just do. I throw darts in every goddamn direction until they stick and I train myself.

Today:

I got rid of most of the clothes that I brought from NC and from the other shelter. “It’s currency. Go ahead and give it up and ask for EXACTLY what you want.”

They asked me to make a list of what I “needed” and you’d be surprised at what I was given.

The color outfits. Camo. I even traded sweatshirts with someone and hers matched my outfit perfectly. For the bolt sneakers I received two pairs of shoes. One I didn’t realize I needed. I got some silver crocs. I missed wearing them in the past. I also got a rucksack (until I can snag a go bag from a Navy surplus store).

I have fed myself and listened to exactly what my body said. Something had told me to ask the girl for her camo top earlier. I did when I got the purple one from staff here that exactly matched her outfit.

Currency. Give and give to the universe with abandon. Don’t hoard shit. There are people that come into shelters with so much. Something said give everything away. I don’t want people being able to recognize me from where I left before. I will have to put in stuff for protective orders and ain’t saying where I’m staying now. Non descript. Stay off the grid. I am manifesting a cowbow hat and boots for myself. I found out there is a farm around here that I could work at and they would give me a place to stay.

I found a town I would love to live near. I screenshoted photos so I can manifest exactly what I prefer. I see cows, chickens and a beautiful farm well outside the city. Far enough to get lost but close enough that I don’t have to worry. Hell. When you start shifting the doors of perception [and “The Doors and other music play to suit my mood and reflect it…butterflies find me on freeways and I do karate kada in a grassy area near a shelter].

I am absolutely safe. This is a much better shelter than before. When they gave me the rucksack I turned in my sneakers just as I had intended. I sit at a kiddy sized table working while everyone else sleeps or does whatever. Not pissing on that. I just live far differently because I was taught to. I don’t need much period. “Why do they have so much goddamn stuff,” I kept thinking. It seems like a lifestyle and I stay away from it. I don’t allow people into my energy. If they feel off, I walk the other direction. It is not worth my time.

I manifested a whole new wardrobe today and every thing I could have needed or wanted. They told me to rest. I said no. I am a soldier. I see myself in my uncles that were lifers and I am strong as hell.

Today proved that more to myself. I had been abused my entire life. I will be getting restraining orders. Those people will never be able to get in my orbit again. The unverse and Jen spake it thus and so.

Miene menie tenkel upharsin. The writing on the walls. Those ex’s in NC have been founded wanting and they are tossed. poof. Distant memory.

I had to lay down in a fucking white van covering my head today because I thought I would get shot because of what happened yesterday. My energy is too damn important to this earth. I am alpha female. I do not follow anyone. I make my own rules up and I flip the fucking script when I need to. I do what the universe asks and my singing and story are currency.. Why? I know because I am here. That’s my logic. Take it or leave it.

I sing. I am working on new projects where people can’t see my face so publicly for a while. Staying off grid as possible. I know some people who are able to handle that and I have wanted off grid since like 2014 I think.

I chose me over every damn body. People can say no when I ask. Usually its not that but just a slight wobble re-correct.

Your life will change when YOU change.

I am Jen. I am alpha wolf and I am here to remind you all what can be done. I left my abusers on June 30th and on July 22nd and I will not look back other than to file reports and keep them the fuck away. I am disinclined to aquiessce to any proposition that I don’t want. I am in control of me savvy.

I am the captain of my ship and am looking for a best mate. I can do it alone too.

Some see themselves as homeless but I don’t. I am just a traveler. One who stopped giving handouts but does shit anonymously because people can’t prey on me that way. I blocked a bitch today because she got nasty with me and demanded. Fuck no. You aren’t allowed to.

My ancestor John led rebellions in Scotland and was sent to the colonies on pain of death upon his return to the British isles. I say no to anything that does not vibrate with me.

I am Jen who loves animals, nature and herself so goddamn much she will cut off her anything that comes at the vibe. I won’t be posting as many photos from here on out. It’s important for security and privacy reasons. I protect those I love most and part of that is myself. I will be creating music and working but the most you may get from me now is a non descript photo. A sky full of stars. An ocean of turqoiuse. A desert. A forest. A shoe. An animal. When you’ve had a gun pointed at you and had a female start harassing you right after that, it’s safer to just #floaton .

I may check in from time to time, but I can’t make any promises or tell ya’ll where I’m at anymore. Know that I am safe. I do give a fuck, but all the fucks go to me and mine from here on out.

Peace Out!

Jeni from the block

Soul Mate

When the doors of perception open wide one becomes a #mixmaster #jenimac #producer

One can do this from anywhere. I’m still Jeni from da block. I’m hanging up my sneakers for mucks … cowboy boots … 👢 You just wait and see.

I started this journey stubbornly believing in love. With #highhopes and reminding him that he’s a sky full of stars even if I haven’t met him yet.

Enjoy my dank beats. 😎 I will be mixing more. This is only the first. #youtube #jennifermccollum #cowgirl #mustlovecows #blameitallonmyroots #ishowedupinboots

Rights:

Jennifer McCollum. Mixologist. Jul 23 2021. Reserved

Later Nerds! Keep tuned and follow for more.

How I Saved Myself

Mary J Blige. I’m safe. Nope. Don’t get to see my lovely face rn.

I just worked hard to get my ass so safe with #noreservations in an undisclosed #safehouse

Way safer than before. No more miss nice girl. She’s dead. The lone wolf bitch done killed her. Thank god. I am free. I am alive…

i take no shit. I see the truth. I refuse to be used. To be abused. I zipped up my suitcases. The staff here is surpised how chill I am talking about that stalking and hacking ex husband and ex boyfriend’s abuse

I cried some realizing how bad John had been. How Patrick had been. Restraining orders on the way. Reporting my car stolen. Austin ain’t safe for me. Not without my wolf. *grin*

I am waiting. I am chilling.

Received bread and sunshine

Can he hang? Does he know what’s up? Yeah I think so. He knew before I did. I think. It’s confusing having visions. Other’s past. Should have been there.

“Ateennnnn hut Soldier McCollum.”

Time for PT. Well sir.

“Are you questioning your commanding officer.”

I would never do such a thing.

“Drop and give me 50.”

Sir yes sir.

“You had enough.”

Almost hon.

Drop and give me 100.

“Yes sir.”

“Are you done? Do you submit to the universe yet?”

Aye aye officer. I submit. I wear my fatiuges. I keep myself from battle fatigue. I had a life time of it. So fark life sounds nice now. Cows. Keep seeing them and horses and chickens.

They have meaning.

“In your eyes…” drifts through from Peter Gabriel. Damn I missed that song. Thanks Source. You cool!

Listen to #koopaustin They ROCK my socks off. Can listen online. Foind oit from a Lyft driver. Great music 🎶.

I have new meaning. A gun pulled on me yesterday. No one given my location. I am safe. I am safe. I am free. From them ALLLLLLL.

So many abusers. I didn’t know. If I had gone into the #Navy instead of let Keiffer talk me out of it? I dunno what would have happened.

I do feel pissed because I think that was my path. Have a soft spot for men of honor. Men of Valor. Illustrious military history. LOTS of warriors from my clan. I guess I’m an amazon.

The lone bitch wolf.

I’m prouder than I have ever been of myself.

I don’t have to be nice to any damn body. Lol. I am free. I killed my inner ms nice girl. It wasn’t hard when a gun pointed at me.

“You will be leaving in the morning.”

I did. I’ve been rememebering Bear Grylls and survivalist training. I am that.

Stay Safe Soldiers!

J

Travel Light…

And take no bullshit.

To Kel

I met a possible version of myself yesterday. It takes time for people’s true colors to come out. We laughed and cried we held space. I saw her worst parts but hadn’t noticed soon enough until someone had a gun pointed at me and I told her to drive we were going to the police.

I discovered a past life yesterday in a small town. I had walked to a local place for wifi and to get out of the funk. Shelters feel like an energy vacuum and there are vampires.

I told her to meditate. She mentioned Buddhist temples.

YOU ARE THE TEMPLE.

The Universe woke me up last night…and today. Under an almost full moon I told staff here that those guys saw my face and I choose me before all others.

I have to lay low for a bit. Don’t wear bright colors when you do that. My car is still sitting in big city with my guitar in it. I don’t need it. Safety is paramount.

Nearing Full… it means shit.

I will be laying down in the back of a van so they can’t see me. Someone takes me to a safe place [the same one I came into twice…once driving and once via Lyft] and from there I call to get to my next safe place.

People out with violence in their hearts. Not me. Telling her to stow the shit. To shut the fuck up. Put my arm on her and willed her to calm. Remembering my marching orders. Left. Left. Left. right. left. soldier. I don’t know all the details but I served in a past life. Navy. Love the sea.

I handled speaking with the officer. Girl. They are helping. Her wanting to get out of thr car twice endangered us. The ppl following us in a red sedan import drove by slowly. I see you papi. I didn’t get YOUR plates. I got those of your friend and I will be putting in a police report once I’m off the grid [a place I want to live..forgot that].

People get violent. Her middle finger and yelling didn’t help. Drive I told her. Try to lose them. Thought we did. Nope. The imperative was for shelter safety. Needs of them before us.

The officer got us back to the shelter. I had to drive. I gently got her into her car in passenger side. She smoked pot but i said not around me bitch. I bitched her out the whole goddamn way back. I don’t care if you don’t like my word choice. You will stow the shit. Your focus isn’t lazered and it put us in harms way. Not. Okay. I course correct.

Alphas take care of everyone over their own needs. It is paramount. I knew they saw our faces because she got out of the car. She didn’t have to. I’m leaving she’s staying..

I left crystals for her to remind her. And resources. I left selenite and YouTube and contacts that I HAVE. I led her in breathing. I conducted it. Breath in K. Breath out. In with kindess. Out with hate and fear.

Reminders for K

I wrote a note after my go back was packed. They told me to get ready. I am. Shoes are wet and have sand. Everything ready to go when the place opens. I will sit in a safe room and call there. Intuition said I wasn’t saying. I listened.

My advice: wear nondescript clothes. I’m not showing mine. Not safe. But muted earthy tones are best. Will be finding a hat. Wear sunglasses with tinted lenses. Leave what you don’t need. Keep what’s important. Nothing bright. Not safe in such situations. Safe is paramount here.

I have a backpack, a duffle [miss my dad’s parachute bag with his name stamped on it…I’ll find another]..

I was meant to be in the Navy. My dad interfered. I have seen in visions. I know what chain of command means. I have an illustrious legacy of good men in leadership positions. I am a leader. I do what no one else is willing.

Today I save myself and leave a town I had forgotten was home before. Not saying whom. Not important. What is?

Follow your intuition. It kept me safe every step yesterday. The next logical step. “Keep moving. Keep fighting fighter.”

I studied martial arts. I will be again. Little John Cena someone called me at a Comic convention. I didn’t realize how true that was. I had been there with assbut. Assbut was violent in a different way.

I am not cold. I take care of myself but I also pull my lady dick out of the dirt and rise…i won’t just survive. Oh you will see thrive/can’t write my story…i won’t conform. Except to the rules that govern my goddamn life.

I cussed her up on side and down the other. She almost apologized. Not enough for me. Not okay. I forgive and send her on her way better than I found her. I left a roadmap she can choose to follow or not. I was so gentle..helped my soul sister who looks like my cousin Nikki and all. Damnit. Her surgery. She couldn’t feel her feet. Well K wear the goddamn shoes you dod in san diego. Footwear is fucking important…helped he slide her Tom’s on and watch puppers swim to us.

A dragonfly landed on my nose. She had seen the same butterfly tree that I had and had been to my beach already.

On day 21 and 22 of the #21dayschallenge I found this. I can do whatever I need to. I will find a hat and keep myself safe. No pictures of my face and my stepping back from social media is paramount. Getting out pf this small town is too. I can find another beach. Lol. I am the golden goddess with her crystals 🔮 and crazy strong faith.

God brought me here for a purpose. I ain’t done yet.

Love,

J

Best. Day.

Todat didn’t go as planned and it was rhe best one yet. It was grueling. I got swarmed by homeless people in Austin Texas and mt nervous system couldn’t handle it. I gor reminded why I needed wide open spaces. Animals. Peace. Light. Love. Oceans of turqoise and big skies with no noise.

Had to get blue shades because they felt like protection. It was so intense. I lost car today in downtown damn Austin. It taught me a lot.

It reminded me to listen to people wiser than me. To quit being such a brat. To listen to people who cared. To take care of me first.

It started with a stop into a little shop on the freeway side that has pecans, pralines and pie. God I missed pie. I hadn’t been thinking clearly. The music wasn’t playing in Austin today. It was too chaotic…it has been so chaotic in this women’s shelter. I saw cows

I desire 🏕.  I desire a farm with cows and music and hay and grass.

The best part of my day wasn’t the job interviews. It was the sort of cute meet I didn’t realize had chilled my nervous system until I gave a dude my phone number in a Lyft.

Why? Because he offered to help me. I allowed. I lost my 🚗.  He offered to help me find it. I accepted. He listened to me and gave me good advice.

Before Dane picked me up a dude was literally walking outside with a rooster. A damn rooster. I have been hearing them crow nearby.

Had chickens and ducklings [loved my mallards] as a kid but never had a rooster. Nor have I seen an asshat in a bathing suit bottom with suspenders holding them up carrying a rooster and fronting to scare people.

My nervous system felt so tired. I got dehydrated. Stopped in Patagonia. Found a place to buy sunglasses. My friend Kelly texted me at just the right moment. She’d had a rough day too. She had listened to Kurt and Hole and thought of me in my blue Nirvana tshirt.

Oceans of turquoise with no noise. An old soul I met named Dane from Silicon Valley.

Don’t give them hand outs. Be mean to them. That’s not safe Jen. I needed to hear that.

“I bet you’ll dream and remember where you parked it.”

I’m okay if I don’t because a dude with the chillest vibe rescued me and spirited me away from Austin. I was shaking so bad until I wasn’t. He sat with me until they came to get me from the pickup spot for the women’s shelter. I think it’s the last night I’ll be here. Thank god. I deserve a break. To hang up my tennis shoes for cowboy boots.

He played music for me. That is currency. Peter Gabriel. I had forgotten. He shared chill music with me. He had interesting perspective on the homeless population issue in Austin. He told me to listen to Joe Rogan because the mayor didn’t know what they were talking about.

Best part of my day in a Lyft. Gray. Not red like the car I am not driving much longer. Don’t need the guitar so much now. Have had enough touristy stuff by myself. Ready for my best friend to hang out with. He can pick the music. He can drive. I don’t care where we go. I keep thinking of Jason Mraz 🎵. 

A gentleman farmer. He has cows. I can’t believe that. My uncle Jimmy had cows and I remember going through my cousin Jamie’s woods as a kiddo to grandmother pat’s house. Uncle Jimmy is an old soul too. Good man. Gentleman farmer from Silicon Valley.

It’s taking a lot to not text him. But I’m waiting. The best part of my day…after the worst parts of the past few days.

I clowned and tried to make other laugh but none of it was easy. Not at all..today especially not.

So. Tired. Nervous system bouncing. Crying in bathrooms. Crying in a Mediterranean restaurant. Someone was so kind there.

“Are you sure you want to live here?” He asked. The more I thought… I felt like it was time for me to be in a safer place. Too many people. Harder to sing like that. I mean. I lost my car.

I called 911. 311. Asked a Fedex driver. A sous chef wearing cowboy boots. I asked any person I could think of. One person that interviewed me drove me around downtown. Still didn’t find it.

But. There was a Dane that knew exactly where my car was. Or not. Don’t even care right now. Miss big sky. Laying on my back looking at the stars. Would love to have a best friend to do that with.

He didn’t seem to believe my stories about the crazy shit that’s happened. THEN. He waited with me until they picked me up. We kept talking. Gave him my number. Hope he’s working tomorrow for Lyft. He’s going to have 14 cows I think he said. He started with two I think. He has been taking classes. I forgot that I had been interested in the cute little chicks, the cows my uncle and 2nd cousin had. I’m ready for an easier life. About an hour’s drive from Austin he said. Wow. That sounds great.

Even now instead of writing frenetically…I feel so calm. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this wonderfully calm.

Body needs a break.

Did I just meet a California cowboy? I think I did. Damn. That’s cool. I loved riding horses. My buddy bones when I was a kid. Loved mucking stalls. Making kombucha. Trail rides. Cows. Peaceful creatures.

I didn’t see it coming. I don’t want the disco. Just oceans of turquoise…big sky. We deserved the sky full of stars. Not in the shallows anymore.

It snuck up on me. Same name as my cousin’s ex husband. Another Dain. He said he had met like 5 in the past few months.

I hadn’t thought about S’s Dain in a long time. Not until I saw Peets coffee. That reminded me.

He didn’t believe me at first. I shared my YouTube channel. He shared music. That’s a gift. Peter Gabriel.

Mkay. Ima melt in a puddle now. Love used to be a battlefield. Now we all float on alright..

True story. TBC maybe. Suddenly…this is too good to share and I want to keep it to myself. Wow. Love you all! Jen

LGBTQ Advocating

#LGBTQadvocate #iamstraight #oneguy #iampickyboo

Got lost. Sang and blew raspberries. Smiled at cuties. I dealt with it. I’m excited yo. The beats in this kitschy coffee shot are the shit.

Had an in person interview by my new GM. In her subaru. Yes. A blue car stands out better and not red. I can do that. Please universe. Provide an import. Honda. Acura….beamer…ahhhh.



Certain that Brian wanted to hire me even though he has covid. Just a phone call. Apparently I am a vixen…we talked spirituality and he forgot my name at first. Just vibed so beautifully several days ago. I CALLED him to ask for help earlier. He did what he could. I love how they run their business.

His GM Andrea picked me up today when I lost my car. Awesome chick. I have a job. Now to find a roomate in Austin. Do I know where? What’s logical right now? Sitting and writing so I don’t forget. Drinking the sweet paired with bitter coffee. Yummmm.

We had the best interview. Best day. Got lost. Found more of myself. Played electric guitar. Oh yes. I am getting one of those sons of bitches. Oh honey I am so excited. Foot tapping in a lovely rainbow bar with coffee [lo siento… no alcohol…don’t need it].

Emily. Trans. LGBTQ. My uncle Jerry. Gay.

I stopped in a kitschy coffee shop. Thai iced coffee. Universe provides.

It hit me. I left the church because of what happened to Emily as she transitioned from Chris. It broke my heart. Fuck that! I thought as I smiled and complimented the cutie’s tshirt walking into the coffee shop. Incubus t. Reminded him of someone…an aunt. I hear ya love. Love incubus myself.

Heart for the LGBTQ community. “Dogma” fucks people over. This is why I am spiritual and fluid. Fuck my pawpaw for beating uncle Jerry.

I miss my gay uncle in Chicago. He worked for SW airlines. God. Shirley his mom. Terrible. Bitch to uncle J. He was an alcoholic for a long time.

He is healing. Mt mom loves her older brother. Damn if I don’t too. Met him ONCE. When I was 14.

I was reminded today of another part of my ministry. Those who feel other. I love all. I do not discriminate. Jen who identifies as she. Beaten. Assaulted sexually. Sexually abused. Loves fellas. Just one. I’m picky. Universe provides and knows.

hard to have any anger towards my ex husband. He went with toxic masculinity where as Christopher transitioned to Emily Abbot.

It always broke my heart. I love gay and lesbian and LGBTQ peoples. My friend Marsha lives near Gettysburg and I adore her.

Never mwt her but we bonded over a love of history and military. She’s musical too. I encourage her.

Walking in Gettysburg wishing my ex boyfriend would quit letting his dad and brother micro manage mr peter pan man. Fuck you James. I forgive you. NOPE. I will not wait another 2 goddamn years for a fucking house. You need to manage your shit sir. Not in my orbit. Back of Mars. Goddess js working here mother fucker. My filter is not working. I got a good thing for me already felllas. I complete me. I ain’t Jerry Maguire or Rene Zellweger. You earn this. You. Earn. Me. I fought like hell to become me. Y’all feeling me?

Goddamnnit I just wanted a coffee where Marsha suggested. The courage to see her. Talk to my friend. I used to volunteer wirh rhe parks service dor monuments at Gettysburg national military park. I love it. I love history. I love it all.

They micromanaged. James francis and Thomas. Sad doubting thomas. I hated leaving him. He is a raging alcoholic. Empath. Psychic. 4 in one house. 3 men and their little lady. I left them because it was best.

They couldn’t heal because their mom died from lou gherrigs disease. No amount of Mediterranean flavor or paleo meatballs would heal them. I tried. I broke. My ankle. Thank you source. I broke my ankle and my spirit so I could rebuild from the fucking ground up.

I am the goddamn phoenix.

I was terrified earlier.

I met a nice homeless man. He sang beautifully. I smiled.

“Do you have any change?” Yes honey here’s some.

He gave me a bright yellow hat. I washed it with soap in the sink thinking about what Freddy mercury went through. That’s uncle Jerry. God I want to call him. May call mom or text ask for uncle J’s number.

No wonder I vibed and thought Mitch and Cameron’s love story was so captivating. Modern family indeed…They had to wait so long. Their Lily from Vietnam.

I want to adopt them all. My cousin Lianna came from China. My uncle John William and Aunt Linda. Mighty people of faith. Their Daughter was a Moriah and married a Korean named Jon.

There are beautiful and lovely and dark parts of my story. I transmute that shit.

For Emily Abbot. She used to write love on her arms. She moved to Colorado. Got assaulted and given AIDS because she was other and bastards got her down in NC. Me too hun. We float on. We move. We persevere. I love you Emily. I love you Uncle Jerry. You’re beautiful humans.

Where can I build a church for you. I am the goddamn church. I am the high priestess. I knock the players off the board and I FIGHT FOR YOU. I FIGHT FOR YOU. I FIGHT FOR YOU TOO. Me too. You too. All. All of us deserve love and healing. Fuck anyone that says otherwise.

For Blair who was other in NC and a PA with a big ass dog named Bo. I love you boo. I love you all best I can.

This is my ministry. Coffee almost done. Wanna find mt fucking guitar. Check in with Andrea. She hated leaving me. Oh boo. They got coffee? Oh shit. Well. Drop me off I got my charger.

Courage points and #Unfuckwithable leveled up today.

#keepaustinweird

A man gave me a hat. I gave him $.10. #yellow He gave me two high fives. No dude. No ciggy. Stop smoking. Yoir voice and eyes are too prettu for that. Get thy ass up. You can do it. Cute as hell. No smokers.

I lost my car. Andrea found me. Interviewed in the car. Called Brian. I have a job. He forgot my name at first. Such a great conversationalist. Can ya hang fellas? I can. Away from the shallows silly. Still waters run so fucking deep.

This is only the beginning. I am taping and recording an audition for #jensenackles of #supernaturalfandom #supernaturalfamily #ohyes #thatsmeboo #alrightalrightalright

Learn to Be Magnetic…

My logo

Hi. My name is Jen. On Jun 30th I left the small town I grew up in. I had been meditating for years but had trouble getting and staying grounded.

Meditation Spot

I had tried using #shadowintegration #zazen for months I think.

I used to have ADHD, Aspergers, #anxiousavoidantattachment , used to have a broken ankle used to have a broken spine [refused surgery]…even got bitten by a fucking #texaslonestar tick when I had been meditating…in NC. Something said GET OUT NOW

Cowgirl checking the sweet boots and tripping the life fantastic

Texas…A place I had wanted to move since 2012/13 I became #magnetic . I tried on cowboy boots and said my boyfriend was late…he would come back to purchase them. I set boundaries. #Unfuckwithable

This was my meditation spot for Zazen this morning. Can’t recall how many days but honestly I have been doing the work via every avenue I am now remembering for ages.

I keep this cross as a reminder of fairy stones since I broke bondage of #motherwound

Researched on my own. #dbt and intensive therapy. Homeopathy. 華 medicine. I have rage, shaken it off..

In April or May… I had a “Holy Shit” moment wearing a labradorite during one of Aaron Doughty’s lives. I started being able to sing again. I had worn it during every single live and event. I had a knowing. Blocked chakras.

Now #alignedchakras. Literally felt joints pop back in. That’s epic. All without surgery. My ankle healed. I love driving. I swim, do yoga and sometimes even lead worship for nature, whomever is around and little children. For #Juniper Rose and little Elijah who gave me a flower I put in my hair…yesterday.

The kids and animals come to me. My moods effect theirs and sometimes the fucking sky. So is the gift of trauma I received and ran with. Thank god for that.

Gecko I found last night doing chores

I couldn’t see expansively enough until I listened to Victor Oddo’s take the next logical step.

I have listened to Aaron’s work and Victor’s work for months and months now. My life has done a complete 180 because of their #authencity

Ima go to an interview in Austin Today. Maybe step back into the life…the path I started when I dropped out of liberal arts college.

Juniper

I think I may be switching it up to prickly cactus productions.

Oh…the logo is a note card someone else started anonymously in a small texas town I found yesterday. I used my colored pencils and flowed to create the logo this morning. I can make it all my own. This was just to conduit for me to arrive here.

I have worn many hats and shoes. God I enjoy the sensible foot wear and being myself again. #coaching

#musician #vocalist #sprituality #energywork #shadowself #shadowboxing #austintx #landofcanaan #mybeach #mylife #howmayIservetoday #waynedyerism #spiritualfather #immensegratitude

Find me on instagram on Authenticallyjen36 and YouTube. I will be shifting some of my branding soon. I’m taking it step by step…following the music. “Where’s the music playing today?” I shall see about that.

Find #AaronDoughty on Instagram and YouTube. Check out his meditations. He has a great app that is a safe container called #highviber so you can cultivate your #highhopes for a living. This is what saved my life. This is the road map that brought me to a home I had deferred my high hopes with until this year. Magical things happen when you listen to intuition friends. Please remember that.

I had trult lost my voice and pitch before. As I have continued to step out into crazy assed seeming new roles…I have found my Jason Mraz like sound. I have to play it for you some time. The kids and dog 🐕 loved it. Maybe play it for my new friend Blake. My sort of music coach…industry coach…teaching me cords for free…fellow traveler and spiritual and esoteric believing person.

Find #VictorOddo on Instagram and YouTube. He reminded me to take the next logical step and reminded me of #patience and Guns and Roses. He has great meditations and is a coach himself.

Please email me at authenticallyjen36@gmail.com for coaching rates. We can zoom…or I can create content. Let’s be kids again and use our pain to build the world back up into a place where the divine masculine and feminine are in balance. Where we all love one another and are non judgmental. Let’s cultivate our sacred spaces and share the beauty.

Much Love!

Jen

Mother Wound

Trigger ⚠️warning ⚠️

Mother wound yes. I started parenting myself and have been in therapy for years.

Symbolic of what was broken. The church, god, source isn’t in objects…doesn’t live at hobby lobby. Split a piece of wood and I am there…not inside gilded halls but in people and nature.

Found a gecko while grounding..he’s so cute.

I broke the cross my mother gave me today because I break the bondage I had been in to her and other poor female role models. Thank god for Mel Robins. She makes me feel normal. I never felt normal. I felt wrong and other.

When I was 3…I sat in the grass outside a log cabin being constructed playing with nails. “Why do they leave me here?” Why .

When I was early age my parents left me in the hands of caregivers that abused me. I wasn’t their property. They used me.

My mom? Well she had shit happen. She was peter pan. My dad tried. He loved his Virginia a lot. I think I have been afraid of hurting a good man…one like my dad. So afraid. I thought for a long time his death was my fault. I didn’t pull the shotgun trigger.

She led to his death. “Keith just was weak. He couldn’t handle the pain. Me 2+ years ago with ankle surgery – Jen is like her dad [yeah she told me that.”

Mom may have aspergers. She may not. She does have adhd. I have noticed patterning on both lines of family that “look” like aspergers or ASD.

I was smarter than the goddamn PA at the orthopedic office and had I not demanded an x ray I would have been continued to be gaslighted. I had been reading research journals of my own volition at that point. So Jim. No. Lemmie speak to “Dr. Spock.” Now I spoke his language. 5 minutes…all it took for me to hear Dr. G. Not Jim. My mom’s friend…smh.

I realized then what she had done. It was fucked up. She had brow beaten my father. He couldn’t help it. I forgive her. I don’t have to be around her. Or any of them unless they are kind, accepting, loving and stop bullshitting themselves.

My mom had a daughter. I had a sister [I forgot about] that died in a car accident at 4 years old. Christy died when Bruce was driving. Bruce is Jason’s dad – my half brother. Bruce took Christy into the ER mom was working in all bloodied. Bruce is thought to have done it on purpose for insurance money. I only found out because like Sia’s song…I’m alive…i spent do much time alone. I found a picture of a child in a coffin. Mommy daddy? who is this? I found the dread thing.

How my father could be kind to him…met him years later at The water park Bruce managed… dad loved hard. Like me. Cancer moon sign. Dad a cancer. Love the water. Dad did his best. He was a parent to fatherless Jason.

My mom was abused at church. Her mom still abuses her. She got married too young like me. An abuser like I did. Fanatical religiously like I had been. Oh I have so much faith. But NOT in dogma. I have studied many religions and philosophies. Read the bible, dead sea scrolls, some gnostic gospels, learned Hindu mantras, magic, crystal and energy healing. When I get angry…or mediate at certain times…lighting strucj near me. Blew out several tvs at my exes house. First strike was the first time I meditated with a dt rose quartz wand [sinner….ego says….saint….I say…I’m healing the world beotch].

I believe in the sun.
Even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it.
I believe in god. Even when he is silent. I believe in universe and source and love.

I refused to care for my grandmother because of how abusive she was emotionally and mind fuckingly to me. Shirley was mean and an Aries with scary blue eyes. Scary as hell like my ex. The abuser that I fled to Texas from.

Pentecostal holiness. Scary church.

Mom fled Bruce after Jason was born. She left him in a safe house. Was afraid. My grandparents shunned her like my relatives mostly shunned and ignored me. A taint or blight on them because of divorce. The msn they told me after the fact wasn’t good enough for me and who they had never liked. Wow. Y’all. Wtf. Help a sister out here. It’s why I joke about having a Malcolm or JW test. My uncles that served in the navy…lesser men quaked. John sure as hell did. He didn’t carry himself the way they did. Mac was a captain. J – looks like LieutenanDan [icecream] well he is gentle too. They’re both olderbht careers on subs and navy machinery. Fierce fierce warriors. Mac is a gentle papa too. Climbs mountains. Mt shasta, Kilomanjaro in Africa on Safari…others. he’s flawed but big man of . This means a great deal.

“A greater love has no man than this. That he would give his life for a friend.” I am that. I am my father’s daughter but not to a fault.

When I was suicidal. I checked into places to help. I would NOT leave this earth or others the same painful goddamn way he did. I refuse. Nope. I haven’t had suicidal ideation in a long time. Not really since having intensive therapy.

My life changed a LOT this year in past 7 months. I chose me first.

It didn’t start with me. It is an ancestral curse. A scourge seen in divorce and fucked dynamics on multiple sides. I am different. My cousin Sarah is different. We see differently. We see magic.

I feel like shit now. I check my P tracker app and Hullo again darkness my old friend. [Cue simon and Garfunkel]. Or “manic Monday.”

I underwent years of therapy. I have taken two year long courses in DBT and mindfulness based therapy. Left the book in NC. Trusting myself to teach others. That’s where I learned to lead body scan and other meditations. I forgot. Intensive therapy is no joke. I didn’t know about all the abuse until this challenge and facing my darkness opened pandoras box. She’s getting healed. Lol. That’s a terrible attempt at a joke. Sry. I deflect the uncomfortable shit sometimes.

Organic cotton pads and handmade…hand sewn ones. A cuterus hot pack. My old sewing machine. Period blood into plants. I have been and will be again the bloody fucking hippie. Haha.

I own it. Golden green goddess like the resin pendant I wrapped.

I forgive them. It wasn’t their fault. They did what they knew with what they were given.

I never got to meet my older sister. How could Bruce do that. Why did they hide it. My dad’s best parts – not laying hands on Bruce when I was 4. Meeting him at Emerald Point in GSO. Bastard killed Christy. Could have killed Jason. No wonder he abused me. I feel sorry for him. For them. But mt dad was the better man. He was gentle as he was able to be with a narcissist father named Starling.

Oh and I ate pizza and icecream…did some silly stuff…enjoyed my company in Texas. Tried on beautiful cowboy boots. 鸞 All after a mud treatment in a lovely river in Texas. It was less musical…creative though. Pulling out other tricks. Tome fkr mjsic soon. HW DONE. Jen Ouutie. Lol that one sucked. Good lord I tried to not do it.

I did it anyway. That’s me. That’s new Jen. I forgot my sister Christy was murdered. Someone had threatened to murder me. Wow. I figured…this is pain. But it’s healing or allowing someone else to be brave. The cost is enough…trauma was my gift. I will allow. These are my scars. Not all pretty.

Love y’all. Jen

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